well... so I haven't done so much on my list. I have done (1) & (5) and started on (4) & (7).
I've never read any music/composer blogs where people publicly doubt their own talents and capabilities (tho, I have seen a lot of: its the MAN that's keeping me down...even from clearly established composers)... I'm sure that they exist. So yes, sometimes, often lately, I feel that my chosen path in life is completely futile. So, getting that nth rejection, it really stings.
Further, I'm tired of people telling me to buck up, especially people who have hardly ANY experience in receiving the sort of constant rejections that I experience. Let me just say: Fuck y'all*, you don't understand. Forgive my regression into teenage-hood but I think there's something VERY true that most non-musician/artists just won't understand. Truly, I don't know how to communicate how people brushing off this sort of thing (who clearly don't have experience with it) makes me feel murderous.
I seem to be practicing the accordion almost pathologically lately. I'm not sure if this is my goal or not: to practice four or more hours a day. I mean, it is better than binging on sf&f tv shows and so forth, but my end goal is to be a composer** not a accordionist. Notice how I haven't composed in the past month. However, I am a better player than I was a month ago, so I mean, maybe I should just see it positively. Also, there is something about introducing the metronome into the daily practice routine that really causes me to practice like an insane person. I'm not sure what it is. I hope I'm not the world's most annoying roommate.
I think I should really do the one-woman cabaret thing again plus my robots and really, you know, tour/perform hardcore but. It is pretty exhausting. I dread the booking / promotion I mean, not the actual performing. I wish I had a musician I could force to go with me and do stuff. I suppose I could probably recruit my violinist friend for doing all his web stuff. Hmm. I mean, I could also form a group but I mean, since I'm already part of a big collab dance thing for April performances I need a project where I am a complete dictator. That's just how I roll, man. Maybe. But yah, I need an outlet for me me me me music / ideas.
*on purpose, to show evidence that I am Southern
**composer / digital artist / performer -- I mean, the problem is that "composer" seems very restrictive (just dealing in notes / sound ) but clearly I'm interested in building robots, musical interface, the performance aspect, dance, embodiment as well... but it is all from a musical perspective more or less rooted in western art music (ok, other stuff, too). But I mean, I read composers saying that they are interested in embodiment who clearly don't see it as an imperative to do more than write trad. scored music, so. GAH, this is so trivial: I'm stopping.
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