Ok, so this is bizarre? Or strange self-protection? Or maybe I am on to something?

Lightning fast 2nd post!!

I am convinced that something horrible will happen and I will not be able to go to Buenos Aires on the Fulbright. It is a super scary feeling! This has been my dream for long, more than even getting into a particular grad school or like... whatever career-y music thing else I would want to do.

I have been so disappointed and heart-broken over music things, etc. for long, and even liiike through this semester after I got the Fulbright, I felt like a horrible failure (because of some incidents) that its like I feel like they are going to take it away from me!! And its not even the prestige at all! Its that I get to live in Buenos Aires doing experimental music and TANGO! And being around probably a lot of BANDONEONS! And like, world-class dancers and tango musicians like all the time! And the wine! And etc! The kind of Spanish-influenced city that I love!!

Like, I love tango so much you'd think that I discovered it as a teenager. Do you know what I mean? And Buenos Aires is the tango CAPITAL.

Anyways, I leave in mid-March so it all seems surreal and I do not know a lot about everything yet. I mean, I know my project but there's so much stuff to do before... and what if I don't pass the Health exam somehow? Somehow I made a technical error on the application or SOMETHING? I forgot to do something? And it will hit me in the faceee???

Anyways, when I was just recommended the Fulbright I started to cry.  I really thought all that work I had done was for nothing before that moment! Plus, I thought the composer committee would hate my work! I was regretting it! I know, crazy! And then, as the long wait for acceptance (2nd round!) happened, I knew that I wasn't going to make it. Tango is crazy political and I was sure I had ruffled feathers somehow... SOMEHOW.  But no.... I hadn't.

But I'm not just vampin'. I really am worried somehow I will not get to go... :(  It seems so surreal...

PS. Foot keeps me from tango bc can't fit into shoes... D: should try again soon tho... haven't been using the gauze so mebbe...

PPS. I finally finished Chris Stringer's Lone Survivors about how we became the only humans on earth, and the Neanderthals, the Denisovans, and homo floresiensis. I LOVED this book.  He explains everything -- dating methods, etc. I really wished that I could have met other types of humans... it seems so sad we are the only ones left!

I used to say that I hated pop science books, but that totally isn't true. I hate some pop science books. I think a lot of the psychology ones are complete trash... plus a lot of them explicate the same damn studies over and over again. But reading in an area where one's mother is not a professor of, they can be v. nice.  And there are still some pretty cool ones in psychology... but unnggghhh so so so many terrible ones.