End of Semester is Herez. Classes done but Research goes On.

IRB deadline: 
DONE! Current modifications sent to prof.

Papers:
++Music, Nature, and Sustainability Neanderthal Paper: DONE

++Experimental Music paper (Similarity Matrix analysis): Finish by the end of finals, Dec. 14
    ++Hmmm... I dunno if I can make that deadline :(
    ++Will try.

++Music Bibliography paper
   ++DONE.

Tech.
++Write up budget for materials & send to prof. 
:( no has done

++Get Project management software, create detailed timeline of project. 
  ++Kinda has done, but not rlysz. Probz do tomorrowz.

++ Kinects! Set up! Write back S.!

Fulbright.
++Hague Apostille shiz
   ++DO TOMORROW
++Write back A.

Grading
  ++DONE

Conferences
  ++SUBMITTED WUT WUT

So basically:
++Do shit for motion capture of tango milonga
++Finish paper!!!!!!!

To do update: I have done stuff, not done others...

IRB deadline: 
Sent revised materials to professor

Papers:
++Music, Nature, and Sustainability Neanderthal Paper: TURNED IN (still need to give paper copy)
++Experimental Music paper (Similarity Matrix analysis): Finish by the end of finals, Dec. 14
++Music Bibliography paper
     -- draft by the end of this weekend, paper reading Dec. 3
     -- Thurs -- revised outline, thesis, rubric, handout for meeting!!!++Edit diss. proposal soon.

Tech.
++Write up budget for materials & send to prof.
++Get Project management software, create detailed timeline of project. 

Misc.
++Send off Fulbright health forms (DONE, wut wut)
++Bastille shiz
++Pick up checks (picked up one, need to pick up another... actually cashed them which is good)

Grading
++Grade midterms this weekend

Conferences
++Finish blown away video
++Then 'In Transit'
++Dino paper abstract?

Misc.
++Pay parking ticket :(
++Just paid some other bills, services will NOT be shut off.  Pretty cool, ya.

OMFG so many papers, etc.

IRB deadline: November 27
ACK!

Papers:
++Music, Nature, and Sustainability Neanderthal Paper: DONE. (Need to turn it in)
++Experimental Music paper (Similarity Matrix analysis): Finish by the end of finals, Dec. 14
++Music Bibliography paper
     -- draft by the end of this weekend, paper reading Dec. 3
     -- Thurs -- revised outline, thesis, rubric, handout for meeting
++Edit diss. proposal soon.

Tech.
++Start shiz. for tango mo cap

Misc.
++Send off Fulbright health forms
++Bastille shiz
++Pick up checks

Grading
++Grade midterms this weekend

Conferences
++Finish blown away video
++Then 'In Transit'
++Dino paper abstract?

Last-MIddle Part of the Semester Semi-Freakout Time

Re: The paper I was writing this summer.  I'm not done yet! I had a meeting with the engineering prof. who is on my dissertation committee which made me realize that I needed to re-do my analysis (in a good way, I mean he suggested conditioning my data so that I could minimize the affects of being closer or further away from the camera).  Which I am about 75-80% done with... and then I will just write the paper for the grade... Maybe I will have time in the meantime to spruce it up for conference shiz...

APPLY!
To NIME (dec. 1):
++With 'Blown Away'
++And dinosaur

Write my google contact & schedule that google talk & get it funded

To ISEA (due Nov. 21 eek)
++with In Transit
++with Dinosaur

PAPERz:
++finish Neanderthal music paper... soooo close, fuck so close.
++Music Bibliography.  Write like motherfucker this weekend!!!!!!

IRBz:
++Look through the shiz that S. sent & alter my IRB materials accordingly...
++Write thank you email!!

I hope I make finalist for Guthman.

Send Fulbright med shiz!! Is done, just send. OMFG start Bastille shiz.

I had my 1st solo exhibition, then threw out my back tearing the installations down... ah wellllll.

OMFG, sometimes I feel successful on and off lately. That is such a hard-earned feeling. And then I question it!

goal: stop analysis and start writing...

Part 1: About my to-do

So, I must admit I am having trouble letting go of the analysis part of this paper. And I must admit I have a problem.  A scoping problem.  I tend to be overambitious, but not realize that am being overambitious. I need to stop doing things that no one has done before for small projects.

Because those things are not small projects.  They have lots of crevices and unknowns that one can get buried in. And I need to limit the amount of work I do for small projects.  My time is limited.  And no one can finish or do well on a LOT of huge projects.

Also, speaking of which, 2nd dinosaur prototype. I can send it to my friend, and he will finish it -- I mean, the outside parts... while later I will make a larynx that works for it and test the audio part of it... I'm thinking of doing that, but it is hard to let go.  However, the dinosaur project has been collaborative from the start, even though I have been at the head of it... But the 3d modeling has always been done by others, while I meet with them and ask them to do things and specify my requirements, etc. At this point, I'm def. giving my friend 2nd authorship on any paper... And it is the best thing for the project, I think, not for *it* to be on hiatus while I'm in Buenos Aires doing interactive tango thingies. Still, I'm hesitating.  Hard to give up my baby, even its not just MY baby.

Also, I need to find a graceful way to exit my leadership positions of AMESA and Lorkas.  I'm leaving next semester, and so even if I had the time for them I'd have to let them go.  But yes, also, I need to start jealously guarding my time.

Sooooo:
++send some important emails
++start my paper.  prose.  PROSE.
++stop with all the analysis and say the stuffz.

Part 2: Self-similarity and data analysis journeyz

So, what I have been working on for the last 2 or so weeks is coming up with self-similarity maps, figuring out how to interpret them, and coming up with ways of measuring similarity (distance?).  It has been a rather exciting process, actually...

So, although I read a few papers on self-similarity maps and how to read them, I really didn't have a clear intuitive feel for how to intuit structure from seeing them.  I kinda knew, but I didn't feel confident... I was lacking that er, gut certainty? I finally realized that needed to make and see my own examples.

So, what I started off doing was creating self-similarity for different random signals.  This was confusing, but it wasn't until I realized that I really need to do an honest-to-god averaging filter on the audio data in order to really get the amplitude envelope that things made sense (ie, I could predict what the map was).  And then, by god, the self-similarity map of white noise is completely BLACK.  Which is what SHOULD happen.  White noise, by definition doesn't have structure. But actually, the poisson distribution had some superficial similarities to some of the results I was getting (some!).  That needs to be explored further --> depending on time...

Anyways, so then I made my own audio file, very short, that was clearly structured.  And then I changed it, and saw how that changed the similarity map.  So enlightening!!! At each step I stopped to show Brent -- LOOK!! So this means THIS!!! Etc.

Then, from that, I made a function in matlab to simplify my workflows.  Then, I made a whole bunch of nice-looking maps, and started looking at them on top of each other photoshop, and eying structure.  That's when I realized that I was seeing structure EVERYWHERE. Even in unrelated files.   Human brains are like that!!

It was then that I realized for my own comfort, I was going to have to come up with a way to compare two similarity maps computationally.  I needed something fast, so after about 10 minutes of googling and thinking, I realized that I could use background subtraction, then add up the remaining pixels to get a measure of similarity.  I could even visualize the result.

This..... wasn't so helpful.  It showed that the maps that I judged as closer to each other just by eyeing as actually more similar, but the differences were small.  I did more researching, and decided to compared averaged regions instead.  This gave more of a spread in the results, but still showed a lot of clustering in the same area of similarity (although less so than just pixel by pixel).  I tried some program (algorithms unknown -- there was a paper, but I used the program to see if it was worth reading it  (I would only read if I had to cite it))  for perceptual similarity but this didn't outperform the pixel by pixel test.  So far, the averaging produced the greatest spread.

The problem was still this clustering --- similarity maps kinda all looked similar to each other no matter what. So now I am finding the similarity maps of unrelated audio to movement as a comparison. First, I'm comparing a Webern piece to everything.  It matched (relatively) horribly with everything except for the giselle movement, which also has a lot of black space.  This is the weakness of this particular algorithm -- even if the white lines / spaces are in completely different parts, if you have a lot of blackness in the similarity diagram the two maps (of structure) will show as pretty similar. But I will be testing with a shostakovich cello concerto & an Ace of Base song, so the average non-related number should average relatively high.  I still wish I knew a way of getting a p-value from this though...

lies, damn lies, and statistics

For my paper, I've been trapped in the cycle of wanting more and more data, and wanting more methods. I think that in some ways what I am doing is problematic, although, it has about as much relevance as people using spectrograms to do performance analysis. And it is an exploratory data.

But what I worry about, in general, is the tendency to value quantifiable data, and not questioning the methods wherein the data becomes quantified. I wish that my analysis did not have so many confounds -- I am using video data that was definitely not intended for this kind of analysis.

Also, I think the quantifiable and the scientific occupies too much of an exalted place in our society.  I am not anti-science by any means, but there are many ways of knowing and understanding experience. Once you have an analytic equation, this is only one type of understanding.  And the equation can be misleading... which I think most scientists understand (the ways and the means) but not most laypeople, I think.

Identity

I have been thinking about what it means to be Southern and what it means to be American. Scare quotes! This is probably because I am back home in the South, and because I will be leaving the U.S. in the spring. Also, I am reading a history of the English language, which also deals with questions of national, local, and class identity through linguistics.

Miscellaneous Thoughts, Not Deep:

++The first time I really thought of myself as Southern was when I moved to New Orleans and everyone told me that I wasn't, not really.  My grandmother said: "Virginia is the South... but you. You're not Southern". I made up my mind then, very firmly, that I was. And I think I am. But I am not sure of the qualities that put me in that camp except for the South is my home.

++Roanoke is not really Southern the way even other places in the Virginia are Southern, and the way that people from the Northeast conflate the different regions is disconcerting for someone who grew up here. It's really a railroad city made of transients more than it is a traditional Southern city... and its hit or miss whether you have a Southern accent here (I don't). Also, Virginia (and North Carolina) have also traditionally been more moderate and less like other parts of the South... for instance, large plantations were the exception rather than the rule.

++Visited Charleston this weekend. It was beautiful, like always. It reminds me of New Orleans.

++Brent is surprised by how much he likes it here (& he hasn't even seen Chapel Hill!). Well, it is sooo beautiful here, and people are more relaxed and friendly (in general). The recent politics of the South obscure what a great place it can be to live.

++There is a view of the U.S. that I think isn't always reflective of the whole. Like when conservatives talk about 'real America', it makes me think about how much I must be considered a fake one. And yet, I was also born here. I come from a tradition of progressive politics that is American in origin, and I am even from 'real Virginia' -- the Appalachian, more conservative part of the state.

++Arizona seems to have many more corporate chains, etc. than the places I am used to living. By far. It does not compare favorably with where I am from, but at the same time, it isn't a bad place to live. The weather is usually very good -- its only this time of year that's awful. And Tempe is relatively green.

I am home.

I am in Chapel Hill, which still feels like home. Even though I have not lived here since the summer of 2006, and I did not grow up here, but three hours away. Many of my friends have left, but a few have stayed. It is probably banal to note that it is likely that one prefers the kind of natural environment that one grows up with, but yes, this is true of me.

I miss having lots and lots of trees. I would like to have both lots and lots of trees, a career, and a social life -- ideally.   Don't get me wrong -- I'm pretty much a city girl. Camping doesn't appeal to me (along I would go along with it). I'm just into cities with a shit-ton of trees.  Southern cities.  I don't even know why I love the South so much except for it is my home.

I do not dislike the desert, but I am tired of it. I am tired of living in the Northeast, too. This is ok, because I am going to Buenos Aires, a city I know that I love.

Things to do:
++Self-similarity maps for all the data I've collected
++Then, music correlational data.  Please, let me done with analysis!!
++paperwork for fulbright
++website for dinosaur??????? yesh.

oh yah, and things to do---

++Download Cage/Cunningham version of Variations V (in process!! OF COURSE they have this at UBUWeb, but it took me forever to find the entire thing in downloadable form)

++FINISHED Ballet analysis

++Still need to run

++Do Fulbrightz paperwork stuff...

++Stretching!

++Um, maybe not today, but I need to start writing, etc. on the paper.  I need to get this knocked out of the way.  This is ridiculous...

Btw, I got like, way in the MORNING east coast time so I think I have adjusted! Productivity ahead, woo! Also, might go to yoga tomorrow morning.  Nothing like a morning appointment to get one up.

advice for recent undergrads....based on ignorance.

http://www.newmusicbox.org/articles/graduate-school-a-backward-glance/

As someone who has been out in the workforce before, but is in music grad. school now, I have mixed feelings. How can one necessarily say that being in the workforce is better if you haven't had that experience? Or going for a degree in STEM? I have done both things, and have still chosen music grad. school (I was a double major in music & CS in undergrad). I also notice that in a lot of ways waiting so long and having these other experiences has worked to my detriment, since I do not have the connections or portfolio of those that have immediately continued after undergrad. Admittedly, I didn't major in composition anyways but had a concentration in voice, but it is fairly difficult to keep up a good portfolio while working as a software developer 40-hrs a week.

Also, I took that full-time job on the advice of nearly everyone in my social circle, and frankly, it was possibly the worst decision I ever made. I would never offer that advice to anyone.

First, while it is good to have a fallback plan in theory, a fallback plan that makes one miserable is only good in theory. STEM is a very different environment than being in an arts discipline.  While I've seen many people crossover, I find the happy ones were pretty unhappy being musicians or simply a lot more excited about the technological/scientific aspects than the music.

Certainly, if the undergrads are not aware of the academic job market then they should be made aware.  However, did they really think majoring in music composition was the way to a secure job position?

Then, they should be disabused of this notion.  However....

The idea that one wants to relegate one's life passion into a hobby is something that not everybody finds palatable, no matter the cost. It works out for some people. Frankly, I've found having a dayjob exhausting and depressing. Grad school may be both at times (esp. when the environment is not supportive), but it is much less existentially why-I-am-fucking-alive depressing.

There is a view that the most important thing will boil down to having a secure job with which to support one's family and potential loved ones, and that security is of the utmost importance. Certainly, this should have some importance, but some people put more or less emphasis on it. They may come from a wealthier family and not need to provide as much of their own security or other pursuits may simply matter more (on a sliding scale).

To be honest, my instinct is to say that you should pursue your passion.  That might not be music or career.  Perhaps your family and loved ones are your true passion, and maybe a more sensible career is better.

However, to give the advice not to go to grad school full-stop (in general! not just music) is equally as foolish as going into grad school without your eyes open to the reality. Getting my master's in music at Dartmouth was possibly the best experience of my life. Regardless of how successful I am in my eventual career goals, I can already tell you it was one of the best decisions I have EVER made to both apply and go. I know this is the case for most (but not all) of graduates of this program.

All graduates programs are not the same, and some can be quite miserable and unsupportive. If you are not a good fit for the program, you will probably be miserable. There are lots of factors, not all of them completely predictable or easily found out. I am saying this as a person who has been in three fairly different programs. (I quit a CS grad school program, and am working on my music doctorate at another institution)

Nevertheless, it is a highly personal decision. And very few people go into the arts without a certain degree of passion, even if it is not enough to withstand the often fairly harsh conditions. So, just seeing this article ("don't go to grad school! even though I loved it! and I don't even know what having a dayjob is like!") felt insulting to me.  You're not even speaking for yourself, dude.

link blast, to-do despair

I have already run.  Wooooooo.  I also got up before noon, which is before 9am MY time.  So, it is on.

I need to do more video analysis -- finish up the ballet and do another Variations V version -- well the Cage/Cunningham one.  Then, another Variations V version.  Then, THEN this paper-writing is gonna take off like a bat out of hell.  Something like that.

I am also working on doing the splits.  Like with your legs, not banana splits.  I spent 2 Burn Notice episodes on this task last night. Or vaguely -- I spent that much time stretching.  

Links: 

I saw the Daily Show, and Sarah Vowell came on talking about David Rakoff's new book. Subsequently, I listened to "This American Life"'s tribute to him: 

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/472/our-friend-david?act=0

I LOVED his bit about "Rent".  Spoiler-- it is about how they keep on talking about artistic things but never do them, and why can't they go and pay their damn rent!

Random thought: Back when I was in high school, and early college I kinda thought of myself as this person who was really centered in the mind, and who didn't really like sports, etc... Well, I am not that into sports, but actually I have turned into a very active person. One day I am going to write a list of things that I do/am that would surprise 20-yr-old me.  I think mostly she wouldn't be disappointed, although the not pursuing the rock star thing anymore would make her furious.

The largest virus ever found!

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/18/science/changing-view-on-viruses-not-so-small-after-all.html

Listened to Sarah Vowell's story of her gun-loving father:

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/81/guns

Got lost going to two coffeeshops in Charlotte, ended up in a Panera Bread.  The Starbucks, which I chose as a desperate -- surely this will be open and actually a coffeeshop -- was in the TARGET which I didn't find until talking to a Panera Bread employee about it.  Well, I am better off here.

I'll be honest, I am really struggling with getting anything done right now. After 6+ hours of wakefulness I have only achieved 47 minutes of running, getting ready for the day, and finally finding a location to work. Well, also I have prepared and eaten 2 meals, read the news, and listened to various npr programs. It is rather pathetic.

PS. I really feel, now that I do not have access to it, that I would be playing accordion for hours or SOMETHING. I supposed I can still work on adv. rhythm stuff, since my metronome is my phone, and I've been good about keeping it with me.

Things that impede productivity.

++Youtubes of dogs.  The Internet loves cats, and cats are ok, often cute, but I am an intense dog lover.  I just spent I don't know how long watching long lost dogs getting reunited owners.  What is wrong with me?  But one day, when I am very responsible and not moving around so much, I will get at least two dogs of my own.  And we will run together through the woods or wood-like park area!

Dogs that sing!!! OMG, is it sad that I am so musically inspired by this???
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bt6-gygNcaw

++Deciding to start running/exercising before getting things done.  Then my running becomes a prerequisite for getting things done.  Other forms of this, like cleaning before work.  Etc.

++Not knowing exactly where to go next or doubting the next move I've chosen on a project. This is the worst.  It is a terrible fear of commitment that does not help at all.

++Not drinking coffee in the morning.  Sadly, although I am not so addicted (at the MOMENT) that experience direct cravings after skipping a day, non-coffee days are WAAAAY less productive for me.

++Composing long political diatribes in my head.  Thinking about saving the world in general. Anyways, I'll think -- the problem is not about electing the right PEOPLE we need to change the SYSTEM.  But how do we change the system? Then this becomes complicated.  And then I'll start thinking about the epistemological questions about the things I am thinking about. But I often think that there should be more of a national dialog about finding solutions to poverty and hunger. Like, why isn't this a top priority? I mean, actually, there are circumstances why this is so, but no good reasons.

++General Internet mayhem....

So -- I need to:
run
video analysis
emailz some pplz

ldjlakjfjjjalkdjfalkjf

By the way, had first personal trainer session on Monday.  Was very sore the next two days.  Even if scientifically inaccurate, I am going to tell myself that the soreness is a sign that I built muscles.  See? Dubious facts one repeats to one's self can be very motivating/helpful.  I think there was a Radiolab on that.

Relatedly, the belief that IQ is mutable / performance can be altered by hard work (rather than inborn skill) leads to better performance and more success.  Therefore, my beliefs about the effect of hard work are practical and correlated with success, and possibly contribute to success. The whole process of believing something for personal gain becomes disturbing, though, in some ways.  Does it? Well, I won't digress so this blog post becomes another thingy that makes me procrastinate.  (Although, my beliefs in IQ are not merely because of the gains, but a nice perk.)

PS.
Listened to this interview this morning.
http://www.npr.org/2013/07/15/198040928/christ-in-context-zealot-explores-the-life-of-jesus

ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh

Ok, break in productivity.

This shit drives me up a wall:
http://nymag.com/thecut/2013/07/princeton-mom-sold-a-self-help-book.html
http://nymag.com/thecut/2013/03/princeton-mom-to-all-students-find-a-husband.html
http://nymag.com/thecut/2013/03/qa-princeton-mom-wishes-she-married-classmate.html
http://nymag.com/thecut/2013/04/forget-sexism-princeton-mom-is-a-raging-elitist.html

Basically another article about women should concentrate on marriage and kids and it is SO SAD that we are throwing this in a garbage can for career, etc.

Ok, I call bullshit.

Almost all happiness or whatever studies show that children cause a drop in happiness, and women who marry later with more education are less likely to be divorced. They are also much more likely to be wealthy.

Now, does this mean that women who want to marry earlier and want to have kids shouldn't??! NO!! I mean, I'd think about it if you're REALLY young, but even so, its your life.  You know about it, and your life is different from statistics. My parents got married when they were 21 and they are very happy now still, so I mean, who knows?

Your social connections are the main determinant of happiness as well as your financial situation. But that's still not all. Further, should you chase 'happiness'? Maybe, maybe not. I personally think happiness is overrated as a goal. I want to be a musician -- I want to create new things with it. This path is not maximized for happiness.

And ya, I'd think more seriously about children if it didn't mean a really serious blow against my career goals. But it does. And I'd definitely make some compromises for a life partner, but not in order to bring in new life into the world.

Plus, life partners are usually somewhat self-sufficient. And its one thing to enter into a commitment where someone could possibly very very MAYBE have a brain injury, etc. that renders them incapacitated and needing to be cared for.  It is another to be entering into a situation where the person you are in a relationship with DEFINITELY won't be self-sufficient for 18+ years. Plus, the anxiety. OMFG, the anxiety. My sister was in a coma for 3+ weeks after a car accident, and that was so fucking scary.  Plus, I DID feel responsible for her (lots of reasons for this).  And its not like you can control what children do -- eventually they WILL put themselves in dangerous situations.  Horrible things happen to people ALL the time. It is a lot of stress to feel responsible for a person that you don't really have control over. I mean, when they are younger you will have more control, but that doesn't last so long. And you have to allow them SOME freedom.

And the reality is that there is not societal support for having children -- it is an expectation that someone (usually the woman) takes a shit ton of time off work... etc. And power to women that are willing to make that sacrifice but I can't imagine taking that much time away from my music career. Hell, I've decided to wait to have a DOG.

Anyways, I'm 33, and I haven't found it that hard to date people, ever. It is definitely easier than dating in college bc I have so much more social skills, etc. And, ya, someday I'd like to get married, but I'm not gonna put a deadline on it or anything. And I'm not waiting the perfect guy to settle down or anything. In fact, I've thought I've found the 'perfect guy' 3-4 times to be honest. One time I was DEFINITELY 100% WRONG ... SO glad dodged that bullet, etc (ironically the one time I was actually engaged). but the others, I dunno it is very specific why they didn't work out. And hey, I'm not single now, so who knows? I can't put a lot weight on everything, although I am more willing to compromise in terms of career things than when I was 25, etc.

Being a spinster with a ton of dogs doesn't sound so bad to me. Just as long as I have a good friends and I don't have any regrets, esp. about music.

So FUCK all these articles about how I should be desperate about finding a man.  (Or, I guess trying to marry the one I have, etc.)  I can't believe how fucking condescending they are.

Oh, ya, and that women's elitist bullshit is fucking elitist, too. LOL. (from the article)

I used to get so much done...

Its true... I used to work an ungodly amount every day.... just like, two short months ago.  I was insanely productive.  And now.... well, I am happy to get a decent work-out in and two or three hours of video analysis / paper work.. plus my Spanish when I have homework or class.

I suppose this is why I am blogging now -- to-do-ing. It is hard to get things done without structure.  But I think I am also recovering from working too much the past school year.  I need to learn to say NO to things I don't need to do or want to do.

But in the moment, I need to get going.

++video analysis

Yupz.

++15 min of accordion / dino a day

See, I think an hour is something that is hard to commit to doing initially.  I will work my way up until I am a fully functional / productive person again... I am ashamed to say I have not touched these since I made my initial goal last weekend D:

++Spanish homework

++workout - I was thinking of going extreme here -- like 2 hours of cardio or something, but we'll see.

++drink an insane amt of green tea and water

I had a shit ton of salt the other day at a party, and I am still retaining water, so I am trying to flush that shiz out. I also made / drank my first green smoothie today which was ok.  It was:

2 c. of kale and spinach, chopped (well torn)
3/4 c. of pineapple
1/2 of an apple
1/2 c. of frozen raspberries
A bit of lime juice
1/2 c. of of my iced green tea (this one has quite a bit of ginger)

It was EXTREMELY filling. It is about 150 calories. You'd need some kind of protein powder to make it a meal.

Finally got in touch with a personal trainer... should be interesting.

I also want to start getting up earlier. I have kept it to not insane levels of sleeping in / staying up, but I would like to be ready for East Coast time in a week. Plus, it is so much easier to get work done during a normal schedule.

I want to make these:
http://www.refinery29.com/alcoholic-popsicles?page=2

I also made a fucking dinosaur, yo. I need to like submit that shiz all over.  Le sighz. Also, need to document my little blown away installation.

belated thoughts about fat acceptance

So, I forgot to publish this when I wrote it... I summarized these points in another post but oh well.

I have been reading about fat acceptance, mainly because this article compared 'Fat Liberation' to the LGBT movement. I was a bit appalled at that article, mostly because of the attempt to draw very direct parallels between being fat and being gay.

Now, I can see some similarities: the idea of "choice" and the use of 'health' as a motivating factor of discrimination. Also, I do agree that overweight people are unfairly discriminated against, and a lot of it in very cruel, unfair ways.

However, she makes this statement: "Yes, fat people can get married, but many thin people would not consider dating, let alone loving and marrying, someone who is fat." To me, this is undercutting to her argument, and belittling to the struggles of people who were legally and systematically discriminated against in this particular arena. 

Dating and love will always, always be unfair in this way, and that goes for attributes beyond just weight. If like in earlier ages, plump women were highly preferred, it would be the thin ones making this complaint. Also, substitute 'HUGE noses' for 'fat' and you can maybe see more easily where I am going. 

Also, although the health dangers of being obese and overweight seem to be exaggerated by the medical community, there is a connection between weight and many diseases. Obesity should probably NOT be considered a disease by the AMA but it shouldn't be completely discounted as a risk factor. Being underweight also carries with it many health dangers.

Secondly, absent an actual disorder (and obviously there are many people with these) to claim that the lifestyle of overweight people does not any way contribute to this condition does not seem plausible. The problem is, once people reach obesity, it does seem like it is very hard to lose the weight. Losing weight is hard for me, as a thin person (I know bc I am doing it right now), and the problem is that it is not, by in large, easier for people heavier than me.  

But I only have 5-10 pounds I'd prefer, if I could, to lose... it must be infinitely harder to lose more than that. Plus, I've been gaining and losing the same 15 or less pounds all my adult life. Not in a depressing way -- I've found when I go above a ccrtain set point, its because my normal habits have changed and it comes off easily once I've re-adjusted. But anyways, having to lose more than 10 pounds -- and permanently --seems daunting.  I'd think you'd really have to devote a lot of your life to that.  It'd be similar to being a pro-athlete.

So, both to call being fat a 'choice' AND 'not a choice' seems to the wrong way of looking at it. That sounds like the mushy middle, but oh well. UNLESS, in the instance of a disorder or disease, then obviously it is totally not a choice!!

And, to tell you the truth, I was FAR more appalled at the horrible fat-shaming comments to this article than the article's actual comparison to the LGBT movement. Being anonymous really gives people free reign to be nasty. 

Also, judging someone based on their weight is an INCORRECT way of assessing people anyways.  It is not just nasty: it leads to false conclusions.

saturday, mo' workin' out, mo' workz

So, I've been thinking how much easier it is to diet and workout compared to make time for working on music. I guess I got really burnt-out last semester.  Plus, in terms of accordion, it like, let's be HONEST -- fucking sucks when you return to your instrument after a couple months hiatus.  Plus, picking up the instrument inches me into a mini-existential crisis: its been THIS LONG since I played?? Who am I?! And then your hands are all like blah blah I'm all over the place you are NOT one with the music, girl.

But.

Ahem.

I have decided that I will do at least:
1 hr. of accordion
1 hr. of dinosaur-playing
a day.  and not like, serious practicing.  But, at least, I will be on it.  Then, after fooling around and getting my groove back, I will actually start real practicing.

I also want to start practicing the adv. rhythm stuff.  Maybe I will do that on my instruments, instead of takedimis.

I will have to look at renting an accordion in Roanoke.

During the school year, I will reduce it to 1/2 hr. Maybe every other day, but I will try to keep up.

So, today I will try and do those things as well as:

++Finish video analysis on the first video.  OMFG, so close to this.

++Work out in the gym!

Umm, well it is a weekend day so I think that is enough.

One thing I have been working on in my diet is reducing sodium. I am not a chocoholic nor am I into sweets or anything. But, BOY do I love salty, crunchy things.  Boy, do I love salt.  While I've mostly stayed away from chips, etc -- usually not a normal part of my diet so that's not hard.  But I lovesz the salt.  Trying to curb it!

I am also drinking a lot of green tea.  I mean, burns almost 100 cal a day if you drink at least 4 cups a day.  Which isn't TOOO bad.  Esp. since the iced version subs for water pretty well.

things for Friday TODAY

++workout -- some weight-training, some cardio

I have been encouraged that although I have not lost that much weight, I have lost at least 1/2" off my waist... plus, obv. I should know this, but being relatively low in BMI (not underweight, but low-ish) it takes longer for me to lose weight, etc.

++wake-up at 10a tomorrow

Must start getting into Eastern time somehow so that I can spend time with my family. We may go to a museum in order to motivate.  Or working out.

++more video analysis

I have been analyzing 9 points on every other frame of video by hand.  This is madness, and I have already spent over 10 hrs on this task, for 87s of video. I am going to try sampling every 4 frames instead.

Had a good 4th of July with our neighbors.  Played beer pong for the 1st time again in years! I think the last time was in Jersey City after a poetry slam.  Man! I am old person living like I am 23 all the time.  I become worried that I am somehow horribly immature, sometimes. Though, went to a tango party last week where most were older than me, so maybe I am just open-minded.  But being a grad student PLUS in the arts keeps you in this oddly young place all the timez, no matter the age.

++jesus I need to start on music shiz. start iiiiiiittttttttt.  at the same time, this damn em paper must take priority.

I became interested in the Fat Acceptance movement.. I have some mixed feelings about some of this.
++health concerns seem to be underestimated in this community -- obesity is at least correlated strongly with diabetes, breast cancer, other diseasess
++obesity should not be designated a disease... it is a risk factor not a disease, itself.
++related: medical community does seem to overemphasize the health dangers of obesity(as part of stigmatizing)
++being fat is not a choice, BUT I do NOT believe that that it is unrelated to lifestyle unless the symptom/result of a disease/disorder (eg, thyroid disorder)
++it is much easier to become obese than to lose weight... our bodies want to hold on to that weight after a while. This doesn't necessarily mean there is a predetermined *genetic* set-point, irrespective of lifestyle, etc.  Indeed, data points to this being false -- the rapid rise of overweight people.
++obese people are horribly discriminated against and this is *wrong*.  Look, shaming doesn't help people lose weight and it is frankly, rude and disgusting to treat people badly because of their weight.

thingsz to do to-day

++write back some olde friends!!!

++video analysis -- at LEAST 2 hours... AT LEAST

++strength-training... must do BEFORE cardio because I tend to just do more cardio instead and call it a day

++some music shiz, ya

++review some Spanish shiz

++apply for residence status in AZ

++do not fall down the rabbit hole of reading so much nutrition/food/weight loss blogs / articles, etc.

Also, I just read a blog entry on reducing unnecessary uses of self-discipline. I think I should maybe think about this... although, for me, I am more inertia than anything else. If I start the day productive... then I will be productive the rest of the day.  So maybe I should use a lot of self-discipline in the morning... hmmm....

PS. I am still installing the art work.  Yes yes yes I am. LOL.  However yesterday I mostly finished and I couldn't completely finish since techs were all sick and I didn't have access to equipment.

PPS. Since I started cooking more and caring about my diet, and reducing grains, etc. as a staple in my diet, my grocery bill started going through the roof...even though my caloric intake has reduced AND my restaurant going has reduced.  Like not eating as much grains is expensive, yo.  Thinking of a Costco membership, and perhaps other ways of cutting costs.  There must be a cheaper way of getting fresh fruits & veggies, for instance.
http://www.costco.com/.product.3164.html

PPPS.  makes your computer mimic times of day better so you don't stay up for foreverz.
http://justgetflux.com/

Progress ETA 7:45p:
DONE:
++emails
++video analysis (2 hrs)
++strength training

TO-DO:
++Residency status
++review Spanish shiz
++some music shiz (probz should start on new piece)

things you learn whilst researching health and weight loss

1. Almost all weight loss studies and for that matter, websites, are devoted to people who have quite a bit of weight to lose.

Ex. Common in tips for losing weight is shiz like: "Cut out soda from your diet",  "Substitute fruit for dessert", etc.  And then at the end of this list, I'm like: but I never had any of these horrible eating habits and yet I would still like to lose 5-10lbs thxxx.

Solution: Google 'how to lose the LAST ten pounds, etc.' and that will be mildly helpful.

2. No one really knows anything at all about nutrition, and yet people treat particular diets like religion.

Veganism seems to be the worst, probably because it is mostly about an ethical stance.  And yet, denying that there are some dangerous vitamin deficiencies on this diet seems pretty common... it doesn't seem rational, since the ethical stance does not require non-supplementation (as long as with non-animal-based products) or the belief that humans were not evolved to eat animals (this claim unsupported by evidence/research).  Raw food veganism seems largely, in the long run, unsustainable for 95% of people.  But it is not the worst by far, some flavors of paleo and low-carb also seem militant.  Reading about the perfect health of 'Grok' made my eyes roll.  However, there are reasonable people in all these competing camps....

Anyways, so any life-changing diet, I'd be skeptical of.

3. No one knows anything about nutrition, Part 2. USDA guidelines are pretty fucked by special interests and weak research, particularly the high requirements for grains. It is hard to find any large, comprehensive study without a significant number of confounding factors, or else something that could really be applied to one's diet without caveats.

4. Keep a food journal.  This is practically the only way to lose weight that is universally supported by scientific studies.

5. Again, medical/scientific studies usually study overweight people trying to lose weight, not average-sized people trying to lose weight. Its hard to say whether the difficulties or strategies are exactly the same for different situations.

6. Despite some studies being skeptical for exercise for weight loss, it pretty much works.  The key is to at least monitor your food intake so it doesn't increase to much after exercise.  If you eat enough to make up for the calorie deficit you've created by exercise then you've negated the weight loss effects.  This is a fairly common thing to happen. Cutting calories and exercising is the best way to lose weight.

You should basically exercise anyways. It is pretty much always good for you.  Except if you do crazy endurance sports, apparently.  Which sucks since I always wanted to run a marathon.

no I haven't finished the installation and other troubling news

But first! good news! I did my taxes and got a huge refund coming my way! Yes, for 2012.  LOL. Also, I finally confirmed yes I was going to be a TA this fall, sent the invoice for my dino shiz to my grant disbursement -- the parts it pays for at least, and a few other paperwork thingies.  Yes, 30 min of work today and I felt AWESOMELY productive.  I suppose this is both good and bad.

I also went to the gym, and did some light cardio.  My real goal was to sign up for a personal trainer but they told me to wait more to see if I get a reply from my Internet form inquiry.  Apparently, that IS the correct way to do it, and it just takesz foreverz.

Been reading the hell out of food blogs.  Well, that China Study book seems biased as hell is what I'm reading:
http://rawfoodsos.com/the-china-study/
Through that debunking came into a lot of paleo-diet blogs. Well, I have to admit that my impression of the paleo diet was liiiiiike very very poor.  Mostly because I have been reading up on and researching a lot about that time period... however, it seems as if there are actually quite a number of sensible people associated with this diet who do not believe in the 'Grok' story per se (the bizarre idea that paleolithic humans enjoyed this like near awesomez state of health). The more one delves into diet and nutrition the more deflection, ideology, and non-answers one finds, I think.

In the shower, I started thinking about ideologies in general and how in some ways they can be so destructive. But then, in moderation, I think they can be helpful.

Then, I started thinking about the worship of rationality and science can also be similar. Mostly because I was thinking how much easier if there were a clearer metric of 'good work' in my life. But then, I started thinking that in practice (not in ideal) I had seen several scientists struggle with artist-like uncertainty about the value of their work and career.  Still, grass is greener. Also, I started thinking about the critique of rational thinking, which is quite meta. Anyways, I'm convinced that our Western society, in general, overvalues this.  Of course, certain sections of the population severely undervalue science (though probably not rationality in the same way)....

More later I have to give someone a ride...

Ok, so this is bizarre? Or strange self-protection? Or maybe I am on to something?

Lightning fast 2nd post!!

I am convinced that something horrible will happen and I will not be able to go to Buenos Aires on the Fulbright. It is a super scary feeling! This has been my dream for long, more than even getting into a particular grad school or like... whatever career-y music thing else I would want to do.

I have been so disappointed and heart-broken over music things, etc. for long, and even liiike through this semester after I got the Fulbright, I felt like a horrible failure (because of some incidents) that its like I feel like they are going to take it away from me!! And its not even the prestige at all! Its that I get to live in Buenos Aires doing experimental music and TANGO! And being around probably a lot of BANDONEONS! And like, world-class dancers and tango musicians like all the time! And the wine! And etc! The kind of Spanish-influenced city that I love!!

Like, I love tango so much you'd think that I discovered it as a teenager. Do you know what I mean? And Buenos Aires is the tango CAPITAL.

Anyways, I leave in mid-March so it all seems surreal and I do not know a lot about everything yet. I mean, I know my project but there's so much stuff to do before... and what if I don't pass the Health exam somehow? Somehow I made a technical error on the application or SOMETHING? I forgot to do something? And it will hit me in the faceee???

Anyways, when I was just recommended the Fulbright I started to cry.  I really thought all that work I had done was for nothing before that moment! Plus, I thought the composer committee would hate my work! I was regretting it! I know, crazy! And then, as the long wait for acceptance (2nd round!) happened, I knew that I wasn't going to make it. Tango is crazy political and I was sure I had ruffled feathers somehow... SOMEHOW.  But no.... I hadn't.

But I'm not just vampin'. I really am worried somehow I will not get to go... :(  It seems so surreal...

PS. Foot keeps me from tango bc can't fit into shoes... D: should try again soon tho... haven't been using the gauze so mebbe...

PPS. I finally finished Chris Stringer's Lone Survivors about how we became the only humans on earth, and the Neanderthals, the Denisovans, and homo floresiensis. I LOVED this book.  He explains everything -- dating methods, etc. I really wished that I could have met other types of humans... it seems so sad we are the only ones left!

I used to say that I hated pop science books, but that totally isn't true. I hate some pop science books. I think a lot of the psychology ones are complete trash... plus a lot of them explicate the same damn studies over and over again. But reading in an area where one's mother is not a professor of, they can be v. nice.  And there are still some pretty cool ones in psychology... but unnggghhh so so so many terrible ones.

late night again, to-do

I will finish the art installation tomorrow.  TOMORROW.  So help me God.  I have dragged this process as long as humanly possible with my general lack of productivity.

On the good side, I am currently taking Spanish classes. Woo! AND the oil has been changed in my car, which was looooong overdue.

On the bad side, now behind in my video analysis.... Like, I know that it is just a bunch of busy work I can do contentedly whilst watching some tv show or other, but I have yet to do this.

On more bad side I am sucking at reading/returning email like I'm not even myself. It used to be you could ALWAYS get a hold of me during email... Now, I'm afraid you might have to put "MAYDAY EMERGENCY!!!!" in your subject line.

Also, on the bad side, my burned foot has not healed yet.  I just exercised for the first time in a week and a half, and I still can't go swimming yet.  :( This is esp. tragic since I signed up for the gym so I could swim and now I can't.  Wasting the month away.  On the other hand, I excercised for an hour on the elliptical today.  Normally I am not really into exercise machines but I can't swim, it is freaking Arizona summer outside, and the elliptical thingy was like, zero impact, which was good since I didn't want to bang my foot around too much.

Also good, despite not being able to exercise I have lost a moderate amt. of weight in the time given. I am at least back to the general weight I was at the end of the semester but I would like to go on and become like... ummm, last 2 years of undergrad skinny.. well, not that much, but close :)

I generally eat 1300-1550 cal.  I am not sure how one manages to eat more than 1600 a day but I must have been doing that... hmm ok, alcohol... yess... I was having 2-3 drinks at the beginning of the summer, and like -- gin and tonic & martinis. Now I have 1-2oz of wine (or none). Not always but there are some things that are esp. good with wine -- red wine with steak, pizza, and red-sauced pasta is liiiiiike a must. And honestly I LOVE white wine with seafood. I've taken to vermouth, which lasts forever in the fridge. And it is totally cheap and flavorful -- you don't have to price up so much.  Although we got a supercheap bottle at Trader Joe's and it was not as good as the stuff we usually get. So, not THAT cheap I guess!

Oh, and restaurant food, for getting all those crazy calories. Also I was using waaaay too much olive oil in everything.  You only need a leeetle, it turns out.

I sang and played my accordion a lot today, and even though it was not productive career - y stuff, it felt very good to do like hours of music in one day again. Did I make a mistake in shifting from pop music (by which I mean vernacular, (rock, goth, folk, etc.) lol, bc I do experimental / contemp. classical)? I have been playing down the fact that I am a singer in some ways, and esp. that at heart I'm a singer-songwriter and I think that is a disservice. I am a more versatile singer than most, and better than most pop singers (IMO, lol. It is not such an incredibly high bar, though.) though I lack a larger lower range / register.

Still, I have these huge projects that I have committed myself, too.  Dinosaur and tango milonga installation... I can't just stop in the middle for a cabaret act.  Especially since I have to finish a paper by the end of the summer.... bllllaaaaahhhhhh.

Also, Brent & I got Thai food delivered today to our APT! Didn't know you could that in TEMPE! AND they stay open until 10p.  (Late for Tempe on a Weekday) Anyways, it was SOooOoOoooooOOOOO delicious.  Unexpectedly so, since on Yelp it only got 3 stars.  Welp, this is a five star place. It took forever to get here but it was so worth it. Best Thai I've had here, actually... possibly ever.  Got Drunken Noodes with chicken and the Pumpkin Special with pork. Oh it was so good, esp. the pumpkin.

late night, still awake

One of my goals is to not have such a fucked up sleep schedule. When I go back eastward, it will just be... BEYOND horrible.

Anyways, reading fitness blogs. It seems that weighing one's self all the time isn't the answer, and yet I am addicted to it. I know how silly it is, and yet... I am going to try to do a triathlon, though, so I think that will be my main goal.

I think there's too many 'one true' or 'best ways' in a lot of dieting and fitness advice... it seems from the research that what works is more a plan that one can stick to, and often is very personalized.  However, I'm a big proponent of documentation, especially in the beginning of the losing weight process. I think you can lose a lot of weight with just exercise, but I think that diet needs to be controlled. Exercise can lead to eating more, which leads to... no weight gain. So, even if its only exercise you need to know that you're not increasing.  I think.

I use fitday.com.  I have for years, very on and off.  Today I looked through my old food logging all the way to 2001-2002 when a combination of stress and insane coffee-drinking made me thinner than I've ever been.  Damn, I drank a lot of alcohol.. especially for how little I ate.  Of course, I was living in New Orleans. I think I actually drank less than most of my friends there.

I am trying to go without sweet and low... I think it is occasionally ok, and I've been switching it up with sugar in my coffee for a couple years now.  It used to be all pink packet! But I think I'd rather take the calories.  I don't put THAT much sugar in, and I'm trying to use less.

I've hardly been playing the accordion lately, which makes me sad.  I'd put it on my goal list, but I'm struggling to be productive at the things that I need to do enough... Maybe instead of reading a blog, I'll just sub practicing scales or an old piece or two.

Plan for tomorrow:
Swim 30 min
Run 3 miles (on treadmill, this is AZ)
Finish writing code for my video analysis software
Write emails for Spanish class...
OMG dinosaur shiznit.
Start going to TANGO again!!!
Start reconnecting with FRIENDS again!!!

OK! I just wrote one of the emails I was procrastinating on... gooo me.

I hit a snag with my video analysis code where I think I made a too hasty design decision back when I wrote it. However, it is the type of thing where I don't want to add too many features... since it is for personal use, and my time shouldn't be spent on this code!! The analysis is the important part, since the end result is a musicology paper. So I am undecided as to whether I should change a fundamental architecture thingy or else write a hack. The hack would be... OMFG@JHG#$!! hacky but will probably be faster than the architecture switch.  PROBABLY.  But maybe not.  And if the thingy is hacky, who cares because I won't touch this code again.  But it will be aesthetically displeasing.  Well, it is hard to make up my mind.  Or decide which is REALLY faster in the long/medium term.

Today, I bought a ton of swim equipment! Investment! I am going to kickass at swimming like I haven't since I was twelve, people.  Yes! That sounds sad.  My goal is also to not tan at all and stay super pale.  Tan == sun damage.  Lately I've been night-swimming, but it can be inconvenient, and hard to go to sleep after..

Also, went to a wine tasting.  Had the most original wine I feel that I've tasted in YEARS... since I moved from Ch. Hill and the best wine store ever. Oh, wait, except for that Napa Valley wine tour I did like a long time ago.... OMG that Cab Sauv. Anyways, it was the Lamatum, Ribera Del Duero 2010, and it was on sale @ Whole Foods for $11.99!!! Seriously, it blew me away.  It starts out way softer than you expect, almost like a pinot noir, almost fruity with a touch of sweetness.  And then, on the finish, and with the next drink, it opens up into a much more Old World kind of taste -- the oak influence, then mulled spice, earth. It can't decide what it is.  But that is what makes it so great.  It keeps on changing, and the flavor profile shifts over time.  It is like a time-based art, which is how fine wine SHOULD be.  It should be a process, a narrative, a journey!

And of course, they gave generous portions. I didn't drive home! It almost makes up for the price hit of shopping a bit at Whole Foods... almost. We ended up buying a $14 watermelon that was on SALE. It turned out it was 18 pounds.  Yes.  It is more than half eaten, now.

a return, perhaps brief

So, this blog is only nominally public, and for the time being. It is more like a public to-do list, and has always been, more than anything else.  So, what I'm saying is... I'm totes not trying to be interesting... in fact, it is probably tedious. But I occasionally may write more personal posts in the future, although mostly still for my own use.

Things to do:
++ run 3 miles
++ email back people that should be emailed...
++ Spanish -- sign up for classes / tutor... start learning vocab daily
++ weight-training shiz -- start today!
++ schedule oil change for car -- oh boy does it need it so much I am embarrassed
++finish exp. music paper
++oh shiz dino shiz... composition and final model (or just the 2nd version of the skull)
++ tango later?

Thoughts:

It has always been hard for me to get things done during the summer.  I don't know why I'm delaying the Spanish thing, except for I'm afraid of how much I've forgotten.

Losing weight is the one thing during the summer that I know I can do.  During the rest of the year, it is hard since I become so busy, but this summer I have time to really start being fit, etc. again. Also, I know that during the rest of the year, I am stressed and active enough so that I generally maintain weight... the summer... no.  Especially in Arizona where its so hot that its hard for me to choose to bike anywhere if I don't have to do so.

My goal is pretty modest.  I'm hoping for initially a five pound weight loss and maybe five more if I have time, etc. I am, though, hoping to get pretty fit, and I hoping to pass from mostly thin into like, yes! I am slender. Or whatever.  I am thinking of doing a triathlon competition in September, which gives me a concrete goal.  I do so much better with concrete goals. Plus I think that getting moving will help with my other goals.

My worry is that my goal space is large whereas the amount of external structure I have is little until very late August. That's why I need Spanish CLASSES.  lkjdfladjfl;akjf

We shall see.